If you absolutely must get your coffee from Starbucks, specify cup size using the words “forte” and “piano.”
If you decide to give an explanation, tell them that you catagorize your drinks by loudness and/or velocity as opposed to volume. Also, look incredulous as to how they couldn’t figure that out on their own.
Never ask someone: “Could you do me a favor?”
By saying this, you put people in an awkward spot. If the say “no,” they look like a jerk. But, if they say “OK,” you could respond “Help me peel all these potatoes I have in this HUGE bag of potatoes I have here.”
No one wants to peel that many potatoes, so stop tricking them into it.
If you watch some episodes of M*A*S*H on the weekend, and then you go to work/school/finishing school for girls the following Monday, someone might say:
“Hey Buddy! How was the weekend, Shooter?”
In this case do not reply:
“I saw people die.”
You didn’t see people die. They were just actors on the show M*A*S*H.
Wear a fedora. They are stylish.
HOWEVER, under NO circumstances should you call it a ‘fedora’.
For example:
“What say you of my new fedora?”
The response will be:
“I hate you and your bloodline, I wish you unhappiness and death.”
Don’t be a jerk, just call it a ‘hat’.
You’re probably thinking:
“I speak like a ragingly jerkish moron. When my friends say ‘See ya,’ or ‘good-bye,’ I respond with ‘lates.‘”
Well, you’re wrong. You’re ‘friends’ aren’t saying ‘good-bye.’ Those people hate you, and this means they aren’t your friends.
Now you are thinking:
“Is there any way that I might mend my moronic ways?”
Probably not. Once your have crossed that threshold and reduced yourself to the level of saying ‘lates‘ as a parting remark, you are almost certainly bound to a life of stupid dumbness. However, there is a way you can soften the blow to those around you, and as a jerk, it’s the least you could do.
At this point, you are jerkishly mumbling:
“Well, how do I do that?”
and…
“Also, I am an idiot.”
First of all, speak up, no one like a mumbling moron. Secondly: consistancy. This is a simple concept that even a idiot job like you can understand. Here is how it works:
When you say ‘-lates‘ you have set a standard by which you, yourself, should adhere to. This being, every instance of the suffix ‘ater‘ in your day-to-day speech subsequently replaced with ‘-ates,’ and vise-vera.
For example, when beckoning for service in a restaurant, you should say: ‘Hey, wates.’ And from now on you should refer to amphibious reptiles ‘alligates,’ or just ‘gates.’ That said, the founder of Microsoft is ‘Bill Gator.’ Of course, there will be inevitable and confusing juxtupositions invloved, such as, when you put on roller ‘skater‘ you will become a roller ‘skates.’
Confusing, yes, but you are the one who set this standard, so live by it, moron.’
Never say:
“Spring has Sprung!”
People will secretly hate you for this.
